Because You Are the Opposite of Thin Right Now, Get On A Fitness Program
Hello! We think you need a fitness program. And so we offer our services as your mirror because we know you’ve been avoiding mirrors since January rolled in and you found yourself waging a war with the waistband of your pants.
Hey, hey—don’t run away! Look at us, your mirror, and confront this horror: Says a cruel ex-girlfriend, a moment on the lips is a lifetime on the hips and everywhere else. It is now time to take off your clothes, survey the damage in the mirror, and choose a fitness program that will help you transform from I-can’t-fit-in-this-door-frame to sexy beast once more.
But first, please put on your clothes.
1| Rowing at Saddle Row
We’ll skip the bikes of Saddle Row because bike seats hurt our precious bits. Instead, we turn your attention to its indoor rowing program. Rowing is one of the better forms of cardiovascular exercises because, according to Harvard Health Publishing, it burns a lot more calories than most other fitness activities.
As well, it is a full-body and, more important, low-impact workout. That means, you won’t murder your knees, old man. Says one of our fitness moles who goes here once a week: “It’s pretty gentle on the joints because, well, you’re sitting down.” He has a point. The fitness instructors are pretty strict about form, too.
Saddle Row offers three rowing classes, from a beginner learn-the-form class (Finesse) to more intense cardio-strength combo classes (Crew and Circuit). And yes, this is group exercise with other human beings and you will all be rowing to the beat of the music. Get over it. It will be super cool to proclaim this as your fitness program of choice:
What do you do to stay fit? “I row, bro.”
2| Boxing at Flyweight Boxing
No need to underscore boxing as a major calorie burner, so consider instead its applications as a form of self-defense and a method of relieving stress. While we would never want you to arrive at the point where you can prove the effectiveness of the former, we can agree that punching a bag is an excellent way to deflate the anger accrued from all those nonsense e-mails you get at work.
What we like at Flyweight Boxing is that, uh, we don’t think we’ll catch a deadly virus here. Unlike other boxing outfits, the studio is clean and, as a fitness friend describes, looks “elevated.” The classes, which are 45 to 60 minutes each, come in varying packages, from three to 30 sessions.
Our Flyweight enthusiast also notes how “….boxing in a group class really ups your competitiveness—you feel super badass.” Go ahead and punch that bag—and not your computer.
3| Lagree Method at Ultra Lagree
Sent someone to try this and he said, “It’s like Pilates, but stepped up.” But the Lagree Method differs from Pilates in its slower movements that target the whole body. Muscleheads recognize this burn as TUT or time under tension.
Officially, the fitness program is “an intense mix of cardio, weight, and strength training performed on the revolutionary Megaformer machine.” And unlike Pilates, the 45-minute class, which is executed on an awesome sliding platform, is done to music.
We know what you’re thinking: This feels girly. Well, the full-body workout will knock you out. Men, in fact, find Lagree challenging with PBA players and MMA fighters taking classes because they see and believe in its benefits. Need more convincing? Model Will Devaughn, who studied under founder and Hollywood trainer Sebastien Lagree, is its head trainer, so if you want a lean frame like his, go here.
4| The Black Workout at Bare
If you prefer your workouts intense and crazy, the Black workout is for you. The combination of HIIT (high-intensity interval training) and cardio promises to burn more calories (up to 1,000!) and maybe make you cry.
Actually, you won’t cry because this fitness program promotes a lively workout atmosphere akin to a going to a party: black light, an enthusiastic trainer, cool music, competitive people. And neverending variations of the squat! Cry!